I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
