OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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