Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
