Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
