I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
