I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
