Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
