I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
