i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
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We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
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So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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