it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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