don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
