I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
