you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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