I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
