I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she peed on how many people?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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