I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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