talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Drunk is a universal language darling
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
