So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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