she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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