Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
