a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
