Only a mothe r could love this liver
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
