if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
