i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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