I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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