Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
