Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
