if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I looked at my own cervix.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
