Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
