I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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