I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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