Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
