I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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