i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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