You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
