he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
