you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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