We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
