his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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