We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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