Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
