Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
