He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize