life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
