piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i need some magic done to my vagina
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
