You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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