OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
