How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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