my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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