Just fell off a train. Bad.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
