The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
