just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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