you guys were way drunker than both of me
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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