Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The adults are the big ones right?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
