So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
