so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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