Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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